21st
my cold august
damn it :( again my laptop is not working,hell nooo mmm i just got it back from the maintencane after taking a bunch of money..mmm is this karma still following me,am sure it is!
well,it started in last Aug,after my final exams..the time i planned a wonderful camp”well i wish it was” …uhhh i still remember the corruption in the team spirit i caused :( it is not so me..i used to be cheerful,funny and loving to people and friends but! what the hell is going on inside?what could shift a human from the purity to evil…is this devil?what is DEVIL?is it some creature we create just to convince our inner selves that we are still pure but there is an external force controlling us..mmm i believe so,we create our devils,i mean let’s see how did i plan to ruin the whole camp coz of what is called jealousy and feeling inferior…well,it started that i,in my inner soul always feel like am controlling my world”family,friends,colleagues,even boyfriend” it makes me feel Goddess..so selfish i know,but i never meant to hurt anyone..lets get back to the camp,well i invited 2 of my girls and 4 guys who met each other for the first time,of course the human instinct took its normal flow and the guys wanted to get closer to the gurls,and that was only the start,damn it i feel so mean when i remember the time i fought with all of them for no reason and put them in hell just for stupid reasons,oh am sorry my friends if u can hear me..
after the firing august,i get back to my home,feeling like i lost the control over my world ..mmm and now i created the devil thing saying “oh am cursed” am i?!!!
august was just only the start,in september i really surrendered to my devil,he is owning me now,moving me,controlling my thoughts and acts…september was very cold to me though the temperature was 27c but i felt cold,no feelings,my boyfriend still abandon me,uhh it is just another story and am really so exhausted to talk about it now…so my devil told me to be just materialistic,he said”come on forget about your dreams to help people and take a short cut to money..yea money..”it can help me solving my problems and travelling the world as i always wished..yea money..But! what is the use of money if u feel cold???not only coz of the boyfriend thing but,my dream to help people..but! i raised my white flag,and Ok let’s get the damn money!
and i applied for a company which is not on my speciality,more inferior but with more money,i accepted it,i took the training,still feeling cold,i started working,feeling more cold,mmm no way i can’t do it,this cold is a killer,it paralysed me,i have to melt,break,the ice..so i left the work of course i didn’t get any payment for my work of this month,the company said i caused a great harm to them,which of course was not that great,anyhow i didn’t get the money and still feeling cold,then i called me devil,”hey u!! where the hell the money thing has gone?!” he said “stupid u couldn’t u bear one more day to take the salary and then tell the manager u re leaving?”
well seriously i couldn’t do this”taking the money and running away”though the ice surrounding me but i still have slight light inside of me,so i decided to leave before the cash day”as they call it”by 24 hours,this is fair enough,may be am broke this period but at least the light inside of me starting to be stronger and the ice starts to melt..
of course october was full of drama but i dont want to mention it anymore,sometimes it embarsses me so i wanna skip this chapter of my life.
and now it is november,n melting the ice is not that easy,but am trying,no am doing my best and guess what my devil now stands against me,damn it how could he be so friendly,so controlling and now he just become like my enemy..may be he was the hidden enemy from the start but i couldn’t figure it out coz he put the poison on the honey..uhhh “big sigh” but am trying to reverse the spell i cast in august the very cold august!!!
